Cold Weather Humor

AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER (degrees Fahrenheit)

+50

• New York tenants turn on the heat
• Minnesotans plant gardens

+40

• Californians shiver uncontrollably
• Minnesotans sunbathe

+35

• Italian cars don't start

+32

• Distilled water freezes

+30

• You can see your breath
• You plan a vacation in Florida
• Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
• Minnesotans eat ice cream

+25

• Boston water freezes
• Californians weep pitiably
• Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20

• Cleveland water freezes
• San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
• Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15

• You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
• Minnesotans go swimming

+10

• Too cold to snow
• You need jumper cables to get the car going

0

• New York landlords turn on the heat

-5

• You can hear your breath
• You plan a vacation to Hawaii

-10

• American cars don't start
• Too cold to skate

-15

• You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
• Miamians cease to exist
• Minnesotans lick flagpoles

-20

• Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
• People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens

-25

• Too cold to kiss
• You need jumper cables to get the driver going
• Japanese cars don't start
• Minnesota Twins head for spring training

-30

• You plan a two-week hot bath
• Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

-38

• Mercury freezes
• Too cold to think
• Minnesotans button top button

-40

• Californians disappear
• Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
• Minnesotans put on sweaters

-50

• Congressional hot air freezes
• Alaskans close the bathroom window
• Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60

• Walruses abandon Aleutians
• Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
• Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-70

• Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
• Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI

-80

• Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
• Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-90

• Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
• Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer

-100

• Minnesotans pull down earflaps

-173

• Ethyl alcohol freezes

-445

• Superconductivity

-452

• Helium becomes a liquid

-456

• Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458

• Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460 (Absolute Zero)

• All atomic motion ceases
• Minnesotans agree as to how it's getting a "mite nippy"

Back to Humor page.