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60 Ways to be Really Annoying

  1. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
  2. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
  3. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  4. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
  5. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 98 copies.
  6. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  7. Sniffle incessantly.
  8. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  9. Name your dog "Dog."
  10. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
  11. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
  12. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
  13. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
  14. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
  15. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  16. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
  17. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  18. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  19. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  20. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
  21. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  22. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  23. Drum on every available surface.
  24. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  25. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
  26. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
  27. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  28. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
  29. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
  30. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
  31. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  32. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  33. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  34. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
  35. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
  36. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
  37. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
  38. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  39. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
  40. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
  41. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  42. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  43. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  44. Ask people what gender they are.
  45. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
  46. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
  47. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
  48. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
  49. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  50. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
  51. Mow your lawn with scissors.
  52. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
  53. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
  54. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  55. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
  56. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
  57. Never make eye contact.
  58. Never break eye contact.
  59. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

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